In latest months, freelance author Chanté Joseph seen a shocking development on her social media feeds: Ladies had stopped posting photos of their boyfriends.
For a very long time, boyfriend pics have been good social media fodder. Whether or not on trip or chilling at house, these photos despatched a message of heterosexual bliss, of contented couplehood. A world, as Joseph wrote, “the place ladies’s on-line identities centered across the lives of their companions, a state of affairs not often seen reversed.”
However then the boyfriends disappeared. You would possibly see a hand, or a shadow, or the again of a head. However the faces of those males have been cropped out or blurred out, “as in the event that they need to erase the very fact they exist with out really not posting them.”
Ladies have been residing their lives, and their guys not served their private manufacturers.
Joseph puzzled this out in an article for Vogue known as “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece went viral, sparking a wave of TikTok discourse and prompting a follow-up story a few weeks later.
Right this moment, Defined host Astead Herndon known as Joseph as much as discuss her piece, the response it acquired, and the state of heterosexual relationship now.
You wrote what I might assume is among the most memorable items of the 12 months, a bit for Vogue that went viral in 2025, particularly a few query that you simply put into the zeitgeist. Are you able to inform me in regards to the piece?
The piece was primarily asking this query if having a boyfriend has misplaced the social standing it as soon as supplied ladies. And I used to be analyzing this via the lens of social media.
I used to be wanting on the manner that girls are very personal about posting their romantic companions on-line. Lots of people have been sticking emojis over their boyfriend’s heads. We’ve all seen this and I believe it began to ramp up, after which it turned somewhat little bit of a parody the place folks would simply edit out their boyfriend’s heads fully.
However then I seen that folks would publish their marriage ceremony movies or they might publish their engagement movies and photographs. They have been edited in a manner that you simply by no means knew what the husband regarded like. And I used to be like, “Okay, that is feeling a bit excessive.”
You’re noticing one thing that has actually grow to be clear on the timeline. I keep in mind boyfriend reveals or issues like that, however it’s gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece discover and what did you even imply by “embarrassing”?
So I discovered mainly three issues.
The primary was, folks mentioned they didn’t need to do that merely for privateness causes. And I questioned, “Effectively, why is it solely this space of your life?” After which they might go on to say, “Effectively, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me subsequent week and I had to return and delete the photographs…I’d should take care of the disgrace of that.”
However then there have been ladies who simply outright thought the thought of getting a boyfriend was inherently embarrassing as a result of it didn’t align with the model. Lots of people felt like “if I publish my boyfriend on Instagram or on social media, I’m indicating one thing about me to the world that I don’t need folks to know.”
Within the piece, one of many feedback that I quote is this concept of somebody saying, “Why does having a boyfriend really feel Republican?” I believe it’s the way in which that the heterosexual romantic relationship has nearly been co-opted somewhat bit by the best. It feels historically very conservative. I really feel like I’m aligning to this concept of the world that doesn’t actually really feel pure to me.
I used to be going to ask particularly about how we should always take into consideration this alongside rising traits like “tradwives” and others. Are these items which can be occurring on the similar time? Are these simply totally different communities?
I believe they’re occurring on the similar time. I take into consideration the response to my piece — whether or not it’s from the boys who have been simply actually indignant that I may ever discuss disparagingly about males or the ladies who have been very happy with their relationships — feeling as if [it] was an assault on them.
I believe the way in which we discuss relationships on-line has modified a lot. I used to be speaking in regards to the ReesaTeesa “Who the fuck did I marry?” [series] or the “Danish Deception,” these ladies coming on-line making these 60-part TikTok movies, detailing all the horrible issues which have occurred to them.
West Elm Caleb. I keep in mind that one.
All of these items. So there isn’t a phantasm across the fantasy anymore. And so I believe that has gripped lots of people.
You probably did a call-out in your Instagram, and the responses from followers mentioned that there was “an amazing sense…that whatever the relationship, being with a person was nearly a responsible factor to do.” So are we speaking right here nearly, like, disgrace of heterosexuality partnerships? It looks as if straightness is on the core of this.
Oh yeah, 100%. And I believe that is what actually upset folks as properly. We don’t discuss heterosexuality on this manner. We very a lot see it as a norm. That is simply the way in which to be in society. And so we should always by no means actually query what’s occurring right here.
However really, I used to be like, no, it’s deeper than that. So one of many inspirations behind this piece was a e book by professor Jane Ward. Her e book known as The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, and within the e book, she has a chapter that’s devoted to the issues that queer folks say behind their straight pals’ backs.
And it was completely fascinating to get into the notion of straightness, straight folks, and straight tradition. And I believe the thought of embarrassment positively got here from studying that and actually realizing the ways in which, yeah, straight tradition may be very embarrassing.
What do you assume we’ve discovered about straight relationships from this episode?
I believe what I’ve discovered is that persons are nonetheless attempting to assert the privilege that being in a relationship, notably a straight relationship, offers them. And I believe for some folks, their anger to this piece was about them realizing that they could lose this privilege, and they may not have many different privileges. And so shedding this appears like a giant deal.
Do you are feeling such as you’ve come via this considering boyfriends are roughly embarrassing?
Have you learnt what? I believe I’ve come away considering that they’re extra embarrassing. I can’t lie as a result of the boys are being embarrassing, and the ladies with boyfriends upset about this piece are much more embarrassing. So I’m like, rattling, I may need to double down.
